The Dell of my Dreams

Well well, it’s been a long time since I wrote on this thing considering I have been doing video blogs and what not and as they say a picture tells a thousand words. Unless it’s my pictures, moving ones no less; they tend to be a little less subtle than what the medium generally aims for.

Nevertheless I have recently purchased a new laptop (and a great thanks to my sister who lent me the money for the time being) as my other more dramatic, tasteless, evil, demonic, bastardising HP laptop decided to go out quietly without letting me know until the last second. Wherever its soul (or lack of) resides now, I’m sure it’s gleefully playing in fire and ash.

"Look at it! Basking in overheated glory, feckin' HP!" 

In fact, I imagine some pour individual in the afterlife probably purchased my afterlife laptop thinking “Oh great! I can’t wait to use this perfectly ordinary laptop and go on Angelbook!” (Angelbook is my really lame joke name for facebook in the afterlife, I'm too lazy to think of anything wittier). But you see, this is the moment that individual will realise that they never went to heaven, only to hell for the moment they push that shitty little power button on that laptop they will have forever cursed themselves with 4 years of troublesome, overheating, battery faulting, charger not charging, dust inhaling monster that sits on their laps.

Anyways, my gripes have passed with HP as I’m never purchasing one of their products again. Instead I’ve replaced that shadowy dark hole of a place in my life with a lovely new, sleek, shiny, angelic Dell full of all the features of my previous laptop, times a billion more power (that might be slightly exaggerated) and all the free time I can muster. This means I can actually begin to do much more be it animation, video effects, editing and what not than I could’ve previously as I don’t need to worry that my laptop with explode taking out half of the neighbourhood.

"My old HP Laptop didn't turn itself off when it overheated, instead it went the next mile...splitting atoms"

I’ve even “acquired” many new training videos for all of my “acquired” adobe programmes which I will be learning to use in depth and become a multimedia whore, except instead of doing the cooch for a bitta silver on the corner, I’ll be doing an animation of me doing the cooch…. Actually that’s not the best example of what I’m trying to say here. The point I’m making is I plan to become good enough so I can build a massive portfolio of all things Seán, which if you’ve been following any of my stuff is a whole lot of crazy shit.

Anyways, I think my first thing in the tube to be fired out this week is a video blog so I must hop and skip to it! I think I’ll talk about my mild obsession with the horror genre for this one so expect the bizarre (although, I’m sure it’s to be expected already).

If anyone has any suggestions on things I could talk about in the future, fire ‘em out bellow or not, until next time, TOODLES!!

Being Drunk and Productive = Counter Productive

I've finally learnt after 3 separate occasions that being drunk, in my case, and trying to be productive has often left me in a situation worse off than improved. This is also 3 occasions that I remember because they have left a lasting effect, like when you watch all of LOST and realise that you could've stared at a giant question mark for 6 years and STILL have gotten more answers.

"Previously on LOST..."

The first of these stupid escapades was something I mentioned in a previous post before. I stumbled into my room like a bowling ball falling down a staircase and saw my curtains agape. This could not stand if I were to sleep in that morning so like a whiley racoon I decided to close them. This proved much more difficult than it appeared, my drunken motor instincts confused closing with going rigid and my balance confused standing up with...not standing up. I forgot this had all happened until I woke up and thought for a moment "my window wasn't on the floor before?". Anyways, the good thing was, I still managed to close the curtains, even if they weren't attached to the wall anymore.

The second time is also something I've mentioned in previous posts. My sister and her boyfriend were over visiting and we all were drinking here in my apartment, which is also their ex-apartment. As per usual I was using my laptop to show funny videos (probably about cats) and play music no one wants to listen to at 3 in the morning. I also felt that the laptop needed no better place to be than on top of stereo speakers, at my head height with wires protruding from it all around the room. After showing them one of the trippy psychedelic fight scenes from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World I took my own trip over my laptop charger sending my laptop on a very brief and ultimately horrendous speed date with gravity that ended at the floor. My laptop still worked but now my screen is stuck in what I am dubbing "Scott Pilgrim mode", it's flickery, crazy, fuzzy and psychedelic making reading just about bearable and the only thing that does look normal on it is Scott Pilgrim Vs. The world.

"Currently what Hibernation Mode on my laptop is like"

The final escapade happened nary a night or two ago. I came home and realised that I had left on a dehumidifier in my room for the majority of the day and as a result my room resembled something of a giant sandcastle. My bedsheets also weren't dry nor on my bed as I had just washed them, so I decided to stay up for a while drying those (not physically, in a dryer of course) and put them on my bed, all the while letting the dehumidifier suck up any dampness left in the sheets. When all said was done I proceeded to turn off and move the unit out of my room. It was probably like watching a newborn deer learn how to walk while trying to carry a dehumidifier. As you may have guessed, the simple idea of moving it didn't go exactly as planned and much like my cutrains and my laptop it ended up on the floor with an almighty crash loud enough to wake a Kraken. It also proved it did it's job well by spilling all of the daily moisture it had collected all over my bedroom floor. Now that's what I call counter productive!

After a bitter 5-10 mins of cleaning this mess and also reassembling the unit, I succeeded in removing it from my room. I walked back into my room and closed the door. Now, this was the third thing that has fallen to the ground in my apartment because of me being drunk so I think it was at this point that the other inanimate objects decided to join in on the fun too, such as the foldaway table behind my door. It lunged itself at my foot and nearly broke my toe. If I wasn't so drunk I probably would've also noticed it giggling as glided effortlessly through the dehumidified air. The Kraken awoke, ME!

"BLUAAAA MY KRAKEN TOE!!!!!!11111!!!1"

I've decided the only thing I can't do wrong when drunk and returning from a night out is to just go straight to sleep. What could possibly go wrong in that situation?

Day of Stupid

While I was working today I was giving a woman her items. When she received them I asked "Is that everything?", she jokingly replied "Unless you want to give me something else!" As she packed her things into a bag. I responded wittily "Do you want a hug?". She stopped, looked at me with a blank expression and turned and walked out of the door with her things. To this very moment, I honestly think she did not find this funny. Nor did any other customer waiting. As they all stood there silently judging me. It was embarrassing.

Then I came home and walked into the door frame with my laptop and really hurt my ribs.

FML

One month

So now it's been a wonderful whole one month since my first post on my blog. I still have literally no idea what to do with it, I always have had intentions (for the month it's been there)  to use it for good but ever since a facebook app informed me that I'm 58% evil I think I've been a little deterred from the "good" idea.

But since I have no money to do anything remotely evil in any harmful way (other than buy someone a yorkie bar when they wanted a twix) I'll just resort to a slightly dramatised version of my recent month gone by: (By the way nothing ever really happens in my life so this will either be really short or really long just so I can tell my friends later that I wrote a really awesome blog post)

So what has happened in the last month. I can't say much now, besides falling off a stage at a club, which resembles something along the lines of this:

And nearly smashing my laptop and inadvertently fucking up the screen instead, which I would show some resemblance video of too but I'm too lazy to look for one,  I've been mainly sitting around staring at my laptop wishing I didn't go near it when I was drunk. And I changed my ringtone on my phone to some loud noises from Inception, which was a bad idea because I quite like the soundtrack of that film so now when my phone starts ringing I blissfully listen to it for a while until I decide to finally answer, which is usually about the time that Caller-A has decided to hang up.

So this leaves me with a lot of alone time to write on this. But what to write? Well I think there's nothing better to read about sometimes than a good ol' bitch about something right?

For example, work. When I was working one day in Workplace A, I brought out a vacuum cleaner for a customer. However upon bringing this vacuum cleaner out some father nudged his little girl up to come up to me with a receipt. I was thinking "this father is a little cruel, he's sending his seven year old girl up to carry a vacuum cleaner roughly half the size of her and twice as heavy, back to him". So I looked at the receipt and saw that they were actually looking for a smoke alarm which was fair enough.Now usually I wouldn't care in this situation if someone got mixed up about what product they were getting if it appeared similar to someone else's. Except in this case, in which the fact is that a vacuum cleaner is neither the same size nor looks anything like a fucking smoke alarm. On top of that then, you have another customer getting confused as to why their vacuum cleaner is the size of a smoke alarm.

One of my co workers eventually came out two minutes later looking for someone to give the smoke alarm to. Zombified and desensitised by my own shock of the stupidity of this father I took the smoke alarm and handed it to the little girl, this smoke alarm was more like a smoke alarm because it was a smoke alarm. As I handed it to the girl I also couldn't help but see how massive the difference was between the vacuum cleaner and the smoke alarm, it was at least a 30th of the size. It would be like someone giving you a bike helmet when you asked for a refrigerator. Anyways, another confused customer approached me shortly after the little girl had left in which I had to assure her that the cleaner was hers and I wasn't giving it to the little girl (not that she would've been able to carry it anyways).

I could actually go on about this a lot more but I think there's only so much time in a day that you can spend talking about smoke alarms and vacuum cleaners. What I can say though is that if this vacuum cleaner did go home with Daddy Stupid and Daughter Unfortunate, the cleaner would most likely end up doing this to itself:

Well, that's the end of that rant, and now I want tea so I'm going away to mull over what other things I can talk about when  I return in a months time. 

buh...bye