The movie in question was Sleeping Beauty, surely a film about a woman going for a lengthy (albiet death inducing) nap would help drag a curtain over these eyes. Alas, instead I became enveloped in the film as I questioned the motives of the characters and plot for the 1 hour 15 minute runtime. For example, Maleficent, she's the villain of the film but I think she takes things a little over the top from the get go. I mean, she throws a hissy fit about not being invited to the christening of Princess Aurora. If this makes her angry, clearly she cares to a certain extent about what people think of her. So what does she go ahead and do? She puts a death inducing curse on the 1 year old child that will kill her at the age of 16, by touching an evil green spindle wheel. This is over not being invited. To a christening.
There must be no Sky Plus in her castle.
"Damn it! I missed Independence Day... AGAIN!"
Second of all, the King and Queen both do not care about their daughter nor have any quality talents themselves. They let the fairies morph the child's face with the gift of beauty and then tack on a bit of X-factor to her with the gift of song. The only really meaningful thing the fairies give is that she doesn't die from bad ass bitch Maleficent's curse. THEN when all said and done, they just give their child away for 16 years in a brief moment of not-my-problem-anymoreness. Why the fairies so blatantly ignore these unlikeable traits is beyond me. Anyways, they celebrate by burning a load of spindle wheels while stupidly overlooking the fact that both Maleficent and the three Fairies can summon things into existence at the wave of their wands. A kingdom of fools run by fools I tells ya!
"They should totally let this guy run the kingdom"
So for 16 years the fairies decide that the best way to protect Aurora from nothing is by dumping her in the middle of the forest and not using any magic at all. All of this is completely unnecessary because the curse doesn't actually have any effect until the moment she turns 16, and even then she'll still have to touch a spindle wheel for it to actually work. All they would have to do is make sure she doesn't go a little overboard on her super sweet princess 16th.
So yeah, whatever about being raised in the wild and being brought back to the castle once she was 16 . Just a bit of babysitting seemed to be the best remedy to the curse. However, in a wonderfully retarded tragic turn in events, they leave Aurora alone for no more than 5 mins before she goes ahead and curses the shit out of herself. Maleficent laughs, the fairies cry and decide that no one should figure out about their monumental failure that they had 16 years to prepare for.
So the fairies unintentionally take a page from Maleficent's book and put everyone into a deep slumber until Aurora is to be awoken again. Clearly these fairies never took a biology class. They did this under the belief that this period of slumber may be ever lasting. Ever lasting also means a whole lot of not eating for an entire kingdom.
"Well, at least they'd all be able to wear skinny jeans"
Luckily the kingdoms one hope, Prince Philip, happened to be gallivanting off in the forest with his unnaturally intelligent horse. He just happens to be in love with Aurora, for reasons beyond me as they only met once in the forest and even before that he only saw her as a 1 year old child in a crib when he was something along the age of 6 or 7. This also leads me to believe he's a pedophile. Anyways, Maleficent's steals him and locks her in her totally awesome castle of doom that would give Sauron a run for his money as evil overlord. Insert fairies here and large rescue scene to escape.
Now. Maleficent has clearly shown she is both powerful and quite evil. I do not know what her intentions really are, but usually people living in this mindset demand obedience and loyalty at inhumane expectations. In a heartfelt rage of the entire situation she turns her entire kingdom into a thorny inconvenient garden to hinder our young pedo-prince in his race to Aurora's aid. I guess you could say, she went a little.. Hay-BRIAR! And then she turns into a dragon and fights the prince with "All the powers of Hell!" as quoted. I don't know about you, but if I could turn into a friggin' DRAGON I'd be doing a lot more than sitting around and waiting for a curse to happen in 16 years.
Anyways, as it turns out, the powers of Hell are no match against Prince Philip's Olympic javelin skills. Sword, meet heart. Maleficent has an allergic reaction to this and disappears entirely, leaving behind her clothes. Then our horny prince proceeds to the top of the castle to take advantage of the sleeping 16 year old and ate the face off her.
"oh baby... the things I'm gonna do to you"
Maybe I was looking into the movie a bit much, but I leave you with a recommendation that this movie will most likely not help you sleep. Good night!
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